Why I Hate My Poker Coach

If you want to get better at poker you need to ask for help. Weather you read a book, watch a video, or sit watching pros live or on the internet, you are basically asking each and any of those for help. Me? I realized I’m pretty talented. I have some pretty good skills and some intangibles that are very useful in poker but I didn’t have the results in the big tournaments that I wanted to have. So I humbled myself and went and found a coach and asked for help. Now, if you choose to do this I recommend you get a really shitty coach to help you out. I on the other hand went out and found the best. I found a guy with results, cashes, and big tournament experience and now each and every day I see the errors of my ways. If you want to follow my path be prepared to also find yourself a comedy coach, an anger management counselor, and either a boxing coach or an MMA instructor.

My first lesson was basically a 2 hour listening session over dinner where I was basically given 3 objectives to try and a few simple betting patterns to look for to attack. What a coincidence, dinner ended at 11:30pm and the donkey farm had a tourney that started at 11 and allowed registration until 12:30 and it was a merely 3 miles from where I was at. So I take my happy little ass over there with my new poker weapons and I’m loaded and ready to fire away. I buy in at the break and my first hand is from the cutoff. There are 5 callers in front of me and I look down at 52ss PERFECT!!! This is exactly the kind of hand my brand new poker coach had just preached to me never to play! I couldn’t resist it was too beautiful and obviously my coach couldn’t know exactly what he was talking about.  He had to be making some of the stuff up. So I call. Button decides to put in the smallest raise allowed by rule and everyone calls. Flop is spread out j76 with one spade. YES! I have to be ahead. No pair and 2 back door draws. It checks all the way around to the button and he bets the same exact amount he bet preflop and I felt like there was a high speed chase going off in my head. Lights and bells and sirens and whistles. While I wasn’t supposed to play 52 this was one of the betting patterns I was supposed to look for. Again everyone called and 8 handed we go to the turn. We all see a 2. BINGO now I know I’m really ahead because I brilliantly put everyone on AK. It checks around to middle position where a guy bets about 20% of the pot. Well here we go lets see if these lessons really work. I bomb the hell out of it. He bet 600 I made it 6000. I’ve never seen guys fold so fast and I take down the pot. Basically increase my stack by 50% the first hand. Great start me. Maybe this coach knows what he’s talking about. From that moment on I was Dane Cook, Fluffy, and George Lopez all rolled into one. I was making so many jokes in my head about how bad these guys were. If only they had seen my hand they would be laughing too. One lesson and I was already the greatest player ever. This poker stuff is easy and now I’m funny. I can make fun of these jokers in my head so easily. I think I even laughed out loud a couple times with the shit I was talking about them. Well with 3 tables left I was by far the chip leader. A player shoved into my AA with A10 off and showed me how I could be drawing dead after the turn. With 2 tables left the sb shoved about 40 bbs into my KK bb with A9cc and flopped only the nuts. And with 14 left a guy called my all in with KQ suited holding 22 off suit and showed me what a 9 high board looked like. Out and made $0. Jokes on me.

My coach stresses to me how important it is to play in position. I assure him I got this. I can outplay these guys after the flop. Well after more air balls then Javale McGee from the free throw line and c bet after damn c bet I don’t want to go back to my coach and tell him he was right. Id much rather slap the dealers hands as they reach to grab the villains cards. That way I can crawl across the table and flip them over myself. DOES HE HAVE IT! DID HE BLUFF ME! IS HE JUST PLAYING HIS POSITION!!!  If I flip them over just once I would know. It’ll only be a little penalty. Just do it. Grab em and look. Because everyone knows that playing in position like my coach says, will never work. Eh maybe Adam Sandler can help me with these anger issues.

I want to give my coach credit for being a genius and a mind reader and psychic but he is not. Nowhere near. Every time he teaches me something I immediately go play and instantly see what he is talking about. And it’s not coincidence or a set up. It’s just the fact that everything he teaches me is always happening and I’ve never noticed it and now I am. So I deserve complete credit for being more observant now. He doesn’t deserve any credit for knowing exactly what things I named to learn or look for to stop leaking chips and giving them away unnecessarily. So he teaches me about a certain bet to look for. Tells me it’s 99% of the time the nuts betting. No more than 29 minutes into my next tournament it happens. I see what he is talking about. I’m holding top pair with a decent kicker and Wally the beavers dad makes the exact bet I’m supposed to be looking for, so I insta muck. And of course instead of me being thankful I just learned this and being happy that in not going to give him and more chips I decide its completely Wally’s fault!!! It’s his fault I’m in seat 1 and he’s in seat 2. It’s his fault I’m close enough to make physical contact with him. And it his fault if I punch him straight in his throat, grab him by the back of his head and slam his face into his chips breaking his tinted bifocals. And it’s certainly his fault if I get up from the table leave my remaining chips drive to my coaches house and put him to sleep with a rear naked choke that Chuck Liddell would be proud of. O by the way, when the money bubble burst during that last tournament I had exactly 1 bb. 8k in chips. Chips I definitely wouldn’t have had if I paid Wally off.  3 hands later I had over 100k and with 11 players left I had a 500k chip lead on the rest of the field.

Thanks coach.

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